Garden Legends
by PrincessDesire
Summary: The first in a series of urban legends starring our favorite Balamb students. In this one, Squall accidentally falls victim to the green M&M legend.


"Aieeeeee!"

This shout was accompanied by a naked Irvine Kinneas running out of Selphie Tilmitt's dorm room. He had his cowboy hat in hand, though he wasn't covering his genitalia. He was using it to cover his ass. Selphie stood in the doorway looking annoyed. "Wuss!" she shouted at the direction that her boyfriend had taken. She then lifted the cute fuzzy little gerbil to her face and cuddled it. Her face had a devious little smile on it. Or at least.that's how the story goes.

Garden Legends Retold by Princess Desire

Turning Green

Selphie's party was well underway. The turnout was impressive due to the fact that her parties had become legendary. The only people that weren't there were teachers and Squall Leonhart. He was in his dorm room working or hiding. It was hard to tell with Squall if he really was telling the truth about being busy or if he was just using as an excuse to be antisocial. Squall was the antisocial king. Even though Squall hadn't been expected, his friends were bummed that he wasn't there. Rinoa wasn't helping to open him up, since the only person that he would open up to was her. She was at the party, but no amount of pushing could get him to join her.

Quistis stood by the spiked punchbowl frowning. "Why does he do this every time? He's always blowing us off."

"Yeah! How fucked up can he be over Ellone ditching him as a kid? I mean, she's at this party!" declared Selphie. She was perhaps the most irritated person there. Everyone should be at her party! "He's bringing down the mood!"

"We could hog-tie him and carry him here," said Irvine. He slipped one of his tentacle-like arms around Selphie.

"You know what!? I think that's a great idea! Quisty has her whip. I've got the nunchaku. We wouldn't have to kill him.we could just maim him!" The rest of the group looked at her oddly as she bounced happily from her great idea.

Zell finally popped her bubble. "We can't maim Squall!"

"But.I want him heeeere!" she whined loudly. The Irvine looked at Zell and Quistis. He knew that if she didn't get her way, she would whine until she forgot about it. Granted, that might not be very long, but a very short time when it came to her whining could seem like an eternity.

"Maybe it's not such a bad idea. Go get Rinoa, we need some bait."

"Squall honey, I'm back from the party!" Rinoa knocked on the door with a quick glance to the side of the door. She was checking to make sure that her fellow criminals were nearby. The door opened immediately.

"Rinoa," said Squall with as happy a voice as one could hear from Squall.

"Now!" came Irvine's voice. Squall didn't have time to take a step back.

Zell snatched him up in a big bear hug. "Get the ropes on him! I can't hold him long." And now that Squall realized what was going on, he fought. No one was going to make him go to a stupid party! Zell was incredibly strong though and he just couldn't break free. He could feel the rope around his legs and ankles. It wasn't rough. It was the light nylon kind. It was the kind that was the nicest to use if you were planning on using them on your friends. Oh how nice that they had thought of him. He glared at them as they admired their handiwork.

"Yep, he's tied up good."

"On to the pah-tay!" cheered Selphie. Zell and Irvine hoisted the very annoyed Squall over their shoulders. On the way back to the party, they couldn't help making up a manly hunting song. Squall would pay them back for dragging him to this social function. And for the singing.

They had set Squall up near the punchbowl where they knew that he would be forced to converse with many people from Garden. He grudgingly listened to their small talk. His lips were stuck in an angry pout. He had given up trying to break free of the ropes. "Oh poor Squall, aren't you gonna let yourself have any fun?" asked Selphie.

He flipped her off with one bound hand. "I'd have plenty if you'd take off my binds." He smiled slightly as he spoke. He already had a good idea of what kind of revenge he could take. He knew that Selphie hated bugs. He wanted to go find a whole pillowcase full and dump them in her bed. He would steal the next shipment of hot dogs to get back at Zell. He would send a phony letter of reinstatement to Quistis. It would say what a wonderful teacher she was and how they would pay her three times pay to come back. Irvine's porn collection would suddenly have all the pages stuck together with glue. And Rinoa. Well, she would have it the worst of all.

"Oh, don't be such a sour puss. Here, have some candy!" She held up a small bowl of M&M's. He looked at her like she was a moron. "Oh right! You can't! Here, I'll just pop some in your mouth!"

Squall thought of biting her finger when she tried, so he opened his mouth nice and large to allow plenty of momentum. Selphie wasn't an idiot though, so instead of handing them to him, she tilted the bowl towards his mouth. The timing was bad though, since Zell was just about to knock into her. He had been demonstrating a battle to some cute chick and he had lost his balance. The bowl tipped completely over into Squall's mouth. A good deal went straight to the back of his throat and it was lucky he didn't choke. Instead, he just chewed the fifty or so. He was angry and making a point. He chewed with contempt, his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. He took large swallow after large swallow until it was all down. Selphie looked so horrified that it made Squall not feel quite so proud of himself.

"Oh no!" she exclaimed.

"What?" asked Squall angrily.

"They were all green! I picked them out for the party!"

"So?"

Selphie's hands covered her mouth. "You can't eat that many green ones at once!"

"Why not???" He was so irritated. He didn't know why she was freaking out. It was just candy.

"Don't you know what green M&M's do?" Could there be a person on the planet that didn't know?

"I don't know Selphie, explode?" She whispered something.

He hadn't quite heard her. "What?"

"They make you horny."

Squall gave her the look again. "They make you horny?"

Selphie looked around. "Well, I mean, that's what they say. It might just be a rumor." She didn't look like she thought so. She was looking at him like he might snap at any moment.

"How can they make your horny? They are candy!"

Selphie shrugged. "I guess it's just silly." Then she disappeared. She just snuck behind a group of people and drifted quickly away from him.

He was so ready to go back to his room and be done with all this. He had now officially reached mad. He was angry. "Quistis! You set me free of these things or I'll find a way to hurt you all, ropes or not!" Quistis was the only one of Squall's friends in the immediate area. She had thought it was kind of funny, but she didn't want him to actually be mad. So, she crossed the floor towards him. She reached into her boot and pulled out a knife. "Sorry Squall, we just wanted you to hang out, not be angry."

He thought that the apology was some help, but they hadn't even begun to make up for tonight. "Whatever."

The knife cut through the small rope easily. She then bent down and cut the one on his ankles. She stood up and looked at him. "Fine, go run back to your room, you hermit." He intended to do just that. He headed towards the door. He was tired of feeling picked on. Just before he reached the door, Zell grabbed his arm.

"Squall, don't be mad! Please?" He looked down at the blond. Zell looked seriously concerned. His hand was still on Squall's. It felt good. 'Almost as good as Zell looks' he thought. Squall's forehead scrunched together immediately after he had thought it. What? "It was mostly just a gag. You have to forgive us!"

Zell put another hand on his arm. Squall's skin was nearly squeaking with happiness. It felt positively wonderful! He wanted more.

"Um, Zell." He didn't know what to say. He looked at the hands that held his attention so much. They were muscular. So were Zell's arm's. Zell was wearing a short sleeved shirt and it was amazing how delightful the skin looked. "Touch me some more."

Had he said that? He must have because Zell was gaping at him. He hadn't meant to say it aloud. Just to think it. But it was true. He suddenly wanted to cover Zell in whip cream with hot fudge sauce and place a cherry right on Zell's...

Selphie had left Squall by the punchbowl, so when she looked over and didn't see him, she worried. She asked Quistis where he had gone only to find that Quistis had set him free. "Why did you do that? Now he's going to go burn our dorm rooms!"

She grabbed Quistis by the hand and led her to the front door. Rinoa followed behind wondering where her boyfriend was at the moment. They stopped there because Squall was kissing a struggling Zell.

"AHHHH! What the fuck? Get off me!" Zell was pushing at Squall. Selphie and Quistis were so confused.

Selphie was the first to step up to them. "Um, are we interrupting something?"

Squall's eyes scanned her up and down with a happy gleam to them. "Selphie, that skirt is SO short!" he exclaimed. He took a step towards her as if he meant to grab her ass or something, but Irvine came up then.

"Are you talking about my girl?" Squall's fingertips were pressed together. He looked agitated at his choices.

"What does your hair look like down Irvine? I bet it would be as beautiful as your lips are now!" Squall lunged at Irvine. Irvine freaked out and turned to escape. Unfortunately, that revealed a body part even more appealing to Squall than his lips. Irvine let out a loud eeking noise as he felt Squall's hands close over his butt cheeks.

"OH no! It's the candy!" yelled Selphie. The others didn't understand, so she decided to explain while Squall was chasing Irvine around the room. People moved out of the way for the two. By the time she finished explaining, Irvine and Squall were at opposite ends of the couch. They were at an impasse. Until, Squall climbed up on top of it.

Luckily Rinoa was there when he came down. "Squall!"

"Rinoa! You have such nice legs!" She opened her arms to him and he eagerly rubbed his face around her small breasts. He was nearly purring.

"Let's get you back home hunny." She guided him out of the room. The entire room was staring at them. Squall was only looking at Rinoa. That is, until he caught the smell of Quistis's whip. He looked at her with a smile. "Ooh, I like whips."

Rinoa pushed him.hard out of the room. His friends just looked down the hall watching him leave. Well, until it hit them what had happened. Then, there came the laughter of hundreds of garden students.

Squall was not pleased with having coined the phrase "Ooh I like whips" which was now being distributed in large quantities along with drawings of stick figure Squalls pinching stick cowboy butts. And the others weren't happy with their bugs, fake reinstation letters, hot dog shortages, and ruin porn collections.

We'll get to Rinoa's punishment later.


End file.
